When Do I Offer Advice or Simply Listen?

Knowing what to say when a friend or loved one is stressed and upset can be a challenge. Sometimes it seems like a fine balancing act. How do I talk with them, without stressing them out more?

Sometimes we want to talk with them, to help them see the situation from a different angle or offer them advice or potential solutions, and sometimes we just need to listen.

It is important to know the difference. When do we listen and when do we problem solve?

I have learned that if we want to be effective, it’s not up to us to decide. Instead, how the other person is acting determines how we proceed.

Here is what I’ve discovered as I ponder how the brain works and how that impacts our conversations when people we care about are upset.

If someone is really upset, the part of their brain that works on solutions (the pre-frontal cortex) is not very active. The amygdala, the part of the brain responsible for fight or flight is active. When this is the case, the person simply needs to vent. They need a safe place to share and to get things off their chest. When they are feeling this way…simply listen. Don’t agree or disagree, don’t engage them in conversation, just let them be frustrated as you stand with them and listen. Be their person that they can safely vent to and they know they won’t be judged for it.  If you try to reason with them or problem solve at this time, you simply become one more person they are upset with.

However, if they are looking for solutions to the problem, if they are trying to figure out how to resolve a situation…If they ASK for your insights or help…then spend plenty of time listening to them and what they are currently thinking and feeling.  Then put on your thinking cap with them. Sit with them and help them work through the options. Be the voice of reason that helps them compare and contrast. If you do this what happens? If you do the other thing what happens? What do you want? Help them to think critically.

Notice, that regardless of how they are feeling, whether they are stressed or whether they are trying to resolve an issue, the FIRST step for us is to LISTEN completely and thoroughly. THEN determine how we react.

The root word for compassion means “to suffer with”. Sometimes as friends and loved ones, the most compassionate thing we can do is to simply suffer with those we love. Just sit with them, be with them, love them unconditionally, and let them say what they need to say to vent.

And other times compassion means to suffer with them as they try to resolve a problem. We can be their partner in trying to problem-solve.

My Grandma was full of sayings, and she used to tell me, “Rhoda, two heads are better than one.”

In this case, two brains are better than one. I am lending my friend or loved one my brain. I am sitting with them. When their amygdala is fired up and they feel like they have to fight or flee, I am going to sit there and be present with them and let them be upset until they feel more calm. In a healthy brain the amygdala does not stay fired up forever. Just like all storms eventually run out of rain, anger eventually settles.

However, if their brain is in problem solving mode, what a blessing if I lend them my brain, my insights, my wisdom as I help them critically think to resolve their situation.

As I spend time with them being in their corner regardless, trust is built.

As we spend time with people, and trust grows – that is the recipe for real, authentic connection.

So the next time you are talking to a friend and trying to figure out how to responds….LISTEN. Listen to see if they are really upset and just need a place to vent, if so, be that space for them.

Or are they asking you for help? If that’s the case, lend them your pre-frontal cortex and your two brains will be better than one at coming up with a resolution.

We can model this strategy for our children, we can certainly apply this strategy as we deal with our kids, and we can also teach it to them so they have more strategies to thrive in their relationships, as well.